![]() ![]() Making a list will help bring these realities to the forefront of your mind and help clarify your thoughts – studies even show improved memory – about these issues. What didn’t work in the relationship? What was ineffective, emotionally difficult – perhaps even abusive – about the relationship?Īs you start to think about this, consider writing your thoughts down. To facilitate letting go, start by reminding yourself of the painful parts of the relationship. The best way to promote the process of letting go is to become more aware of the ways you actually want to let the relationship go. After all, if you could “let it go” so simply, you would, right? And yet, many of us want to do just that. One of the most overused phrases well-meaning friends say in situations of loss is “let it go,” or sometimes, “get over it.” For starters, this advice is sometimes experienced as insensitive. Step #2: Focus On The Hardships To Let Go The trick here is to be mindful of which thoughts you are “strengthening” in order to maximize your healing from being heartbroken after a break up. “Use it or lose it” is often a term neuropsychologists use to describe how our brain works: What we “use,” or think about, becomes stronger and more efficient, and what we don’t use loses strength and efficiency. We know that brain circuitry strengthens with use, and likewise, atrophies when not used. The more we think about something, the more ingrained it becomes. If you notice that your thoughts about what could have been are making you feel worse, this is a signal that these fantasies might be getting in your way of healing. Where do your thoughts go? How often are you finding yourself playing the “highlight reel”, thinking about what might have been? And most importantly, how is it making you feel? ![]() Start to notice when you are thinking about the relationship, and track your thoughts on being heartbroken after a break up. Step #1: Notice Your Fantasies And Their Emotional Impact So here are some step-by-step suggestions to wean off the fantasies, grab hold of the realities, and ultimately feel empowered to move on. The eventual goal is not to fantasize – a kind of “just don’t go there” – but that’s easier said than done, especially at the beginning. This is us focusing on what we wish were the case instead of what actually is… Many people do not realize that every retreat into fantasy comes at the price of keeping us attached to the previous relationship, stalling us from moving forward after a break up. Indeed, just as people flock to feel-good movies to dull the pain of reality, people will often flock to their fantasies about their relationship as a respite from their pain, even if temporary and fleeting. Moreover, this fantasy reverie can become a go-to salve for the painful reality feeling heartbroken after a break up, making it more and more of a part of one’s thoughts. ![]() In thinking so much about the good times, and fantasies of what might have been, one’s thoughts about the relationship can become skewed, sometimes allowing fantasy to overtake reality. Mourning the good times is a completely normal part of grieving the end of a relationship, however, thinking only about the good times can actually make getting over the relationship harder. I have found a key contributor to keeping them stuck is how they are thinking about the relationship, and how actively they fantasize about what they have lost. They can’t seem to let go, even if they want to. They can’t stop feeling the pain of being heartbroken after a break up. There is no better way through this process than to feel your feelings.Īnd yet, sometimes people come to my office feeling stuck. One has to mourn the good times, and allow the feelings of loss and pain to come. Some say there is nothing more painful than how it feels after a break up, and that healing takes time. How can we make the break up easiest on ourselves, while dealing as much as we need to? Often we feel miserable, and heartbroken after a break up, full of worry and full of dread. And we’re back to square one, single, lonely, and longing. But now, for whatever reason, the relationship hasn’t worked out. We envisioned a future with this person, we trusted this person, we invested in this relationship, and there were really good times. We thought this relationship would last forever. – Lyrics to Neil Sedaka’s “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” (1962) ![]()
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